Getting on Track

Last spring I joined a local gym. I always have the best intentions to start things, but it's hard for me to follow through when it comes to stuff for myself. I'm a giver, I like to take care of other people, it's what I do, I feel like it defines who I am, and I'm fine with it. When I first joined the gym I really was motivated. I started going every other day, even on weekends, granted it was only for 20-25 minutes each time, but for my that was a big deal. I slowly worked up to 45 minutes, 4 days a week. I was feeling great! Working out really was helping with my stress level from work too. September came and I finally got pregnant. I wanted to make sure I was doing everything right, asked my doctor if I could continue, told her what I do at the gym, etc. She encouraged me to yes continue on, it was the best thing for myself and
"my baby" so I did just that. In October I noticed my energy level was very low. It became a struggle to make myself go to the gym, I cut down to twice a week. Sometimes I'd go on a Saturday or Sunday for an extra day. Week 7 of my pregnancy came, and I started to bleed. I immediately looked it up on the Internet, which said overall it's normal. I still contacted my doctor, who said yes it can be normal, but come in and we'll have a look. When she was doing the sonogram she said the heart beat was strong, but my hormone level was low. Her and I have a relationship where I need to know the good and bad, no sugar coating, she told me it could go either way at this point. In my heart I knew the baby wasn't going to make it. I decided to put the negative thoughts out of my head, and focus on the rest of my day. I did just that, went back to work. That night I started cramping, it was light, then as the night went on it was worse, my bleeding had increased. At 2:30 a.m. I awoke needing to use the bathroom, as soon as I sat down I heard a "plop" my heart sank so deep, I knew in the mess of all that junk was supposed to be "my baby" I got back into bed, F woke up, asked if everything was ok, and I remember saying no...I don't think so. I feel asleep crying, his arms wrapped around me. The next morning I was off of work, and needed to take Y to school. I called the doctor office telling them what happened last night. Told me to come straight in, F didn't want me to go alone, but I knew he needed to go to work, and honestly I don't think I could of handled it any better if someone came with me. Doctor confirmed I had indeed miscarried. On my way home I called F told him the bad news, he canceled his plans for the night, and said he'd be home after work. I then called my sister, the moment I heard her voice I started crying, so hard I couldn't speak, she knew what was wrong, of course what can really be said to someone when this happens, you will never find the right words to make it better. Just knowing she was on the other line was what I needed at the time. I went home, crawled into bed and watched t.v., took a nap, etc. I didn't cry again after that. I could tell F was concerned, he told me a few days later you don't have to be the tough one, you can cry. I went to work the next day, to many it confused them. I didn't have much of a choice my boss was out of town, and one of us has to be there. I did leave early, I couldn't really focus 100%. I deal with things differently. The world can't stop because something bad has happened. I had private down moments about my miscarriage, but mostly I pushed it out of my head. It is what it is, nothing is going to change it.
Yesterday at lunch with T I verbalized it's been 6 months since the miscarriage, and I need to get back on track with myself. I had been thinking about how I've left myself go, I don't go to the gym anymore, I don't focus on myself, or put in "me" time. So saying it out loud to her made me realize I'm taking the miscarriage out on myself, in a negative way. I need to go back to the gym, I need to take care of myself, I need to do what is right for me. I need to realize I don't always have to be the tough one, I can let people take care of me too.