It's me...Has to be

I have been going back and forth in my mind whether or not to blog about this. I've decided to go for it, and see if it helps me settle my mind.

I want to list out all the great things about my husband, and our relationship, this way I can again appreciate them, but also talk about where I'm struggling and frustrated in.

- He loves me
- He provides for our family
- He works so hard
- He is simple
- He makes me laugh
- He is a wonderful father
- He is very handy around the house
- He has dreams
- He will put himself last
- He never wants to spend money on himself
- He loves my cooking
- He is strong
- He is stubborn
- He has strong convictions

I'm sure I am missing things.

I keep looking up at the list, and I almost feel wrong for wanting to complain. So do I forget my emotions I've been having?....Oh well here it goes.

My husband has never been very romantic, and that doesn't bother me, I am not lovey dovey. We say "love you" usually when we're hanging up the phone, which drives me nuts, but I've gotten better. I like to say "love you" when I feel like, not have it be a standard end of the conversation. I also do things for the people I love, and to me that shows them, just as if I was to say it, yet I know he likes to hear me say it, so I've worked on that too. I would like to see some effort on his part, maybe flowers occasionally just for no reason, or help me out with house things from time to time. For example on Sunday morning I woke up did 4 loads of laundry, fed Charlie, and made breakfast for everyone else. I went to get the loads out of the dryers, he comes in and says "oh let me fold those for you" which surprised me, he never offers, and usually I'm fine with it, I know how our household is divided, but it was the way he said it, and then the look he had on his face, as if he was waiting for me to say "no don't worry about it"
Last Wednesday we had a showing for the condo, and I stayed up till 12 Tuesday night, cleaning, and putting stuff away, so that the condo would be nice and spacious. I never asked him for help, but he never offered either. If it was just a normal cleaning I don't think it would bother me, but it was a cleaning that had a time limit on it, and it was short notice. Maybe the biggest thing is that I KNOW the household and the members of my family falls on me to handle. He will help with things if I ask, but I have to ask. Then it makes me feel like I can't handle it! He knows this about me, yet nothing changes.
Our jobs are competely different in the work force. I stay inside an air conditioned office on my ass 3 days a week, and he works out in the weather doing a very labor intensive job 4 days a week. Our division of the household is mostly unfair to me, however I never complain since I feel he works is ass off during the week, he really does. I don't know how he does it. Does that mean he just gets a free pass all the time? To him yes it does.

While trying to get pregnant that 1 1/2 years, it put a lot of strain on our relationship. Emotionally it was hard on both of us after the miscarriage, and then the "trying" process was even worse. But we pulled through, and it all worked out. Our sex life I would say is typical for married couples. I'm not content with 1 time a week or 1 time every 2 weeks. That seems to be the way it always goes, and it's not because of Charlie, it's always been a struggle in this area for us. I'm not sure if it's because his job is stressful, or that mine used to be, but our frenquence doesn't seem to get better. No matter how many times we "discuss" this issue, not changes. So in turn I'm frustrated. I already don't feel sexy, or desireble, I don't like my body, so part of me feels like well he must not be into me anymore, but I know that is not true! It's just my insecurities. I never used to be that way either. I'm at a loss as to what to do about this issue.

We never had date night, I suggested it, he said sure why don't you plan something! Um okay, why don't you plan it? So I just didn't follow through. He must feel like we don't need a date night.

Our routine for communication is, when he gets home at night I follow him into the bedroom where he takes off his boots, and clothes to go take a shower, in that time frame I discuss anything he needs to know about our daily life, and then discuss a few more things while we eat dinner and watch tv. I know I can talk to him about whatever, but we don't just sit and talk about life, ourselves, etc. Maybe that is normal when you've been married so long I don't know...but I don't think that is how I want to be in my marriage. I don't want things so routined. Funny I say that when I'm so scheduled as a person!

Marriage is always a work in progress, I suppose I feel like all of a sudden we need a lot of work, and it frustrates me, because it upsets me. I feel perhaps overwhelmed, and I need to set priorties for myself, and my relationship. What matters most is we both love each other, and are still in love with each other, everything else can be worked on.