Small Breakdown

Wednesday I had a small break down. I've been going back and forth on whether I wanted to write about this, but have decided the only reason I question writing is because I don't want to seem vulnerable, or should I just say weak. I do realize showing emotion doesn't make you a weak person, but this is one of my personal struggles.

The day started off fine. At work things were hectic. My boss and I were not seeing things eye to eye, and once again I was frustrated. I decided it was going to be a great day to put in my ear phones and block everyone out. At 10:00 the infertility office called about my appointment next month. They had some openings and wanted to move up my appointment. The lady informed me F did not need to go to the consultation. Which in a way helps since the office is downtown. In a way I felt excited that I could get in a month earlier. I'm the type of a person who works great with plans. So I really need to have the conversation with the doctor and see what our game plan is. I know it will bring a sense of relief to me. A little bit later my boss and I were disagreeing on something and I could feel my eyes filling up with tears. I excused myself before he could notice, and went into the bathroom, where I started to cry. Waterfalls were exploding from my eyes. I'm looking at myself in the mirror thinking what is wrong with me! I know I'm not this upset about what we were disagreeing on. I took a few deep breaths, calmed myself down, and let me mind go blank. First thought that came into my mind, I'm not 8 months pregnant. In fact I'm not even pregnant. This month I technically should of been 8 months. I haven't even been keeping track of the dates, well at least I didn't think I was. Once I was calmed down and relaxed, I went back to my desk. Through out the rest of the day I cried off and on, this time more composed and quiet. No one even knew I was upset. On my way home I cried harder again. I kept thinking what brought this on? I just had my period so I knew it wasn't that. What I've decided is the doctors office triggered it. While I'm happy about my appointment, and finding out our game plan, I'm also very sad, and angry. I'm sad I'm not pregnant, not even close. I'm angry that I have to go see a specialist and spend god knows how much money in order to possibly have a child, when I see young girls everyday having babies when they are not ready, and can't afford them. I know so many other woman out in the world are suffering the same way I am. I never thought I'd be one of them...